my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
