If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dick very happy bro
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
