I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
