you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
