my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
