I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
