Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
