I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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