I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
