just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
