My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
