I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
