she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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