Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
