You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
