I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
