I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
