Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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