Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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