Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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