Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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