I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
