I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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