So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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