i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
