today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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