You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
