Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
