I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
