Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
