I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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