Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm like, not good at living.
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