so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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