Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
