I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
