She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
