I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you never un-have a 4some
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize