I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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