so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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