just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
