hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
