i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
