I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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