I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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