i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
