he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
