Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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