when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
