I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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