I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
