dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
