Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize