I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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