the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
