it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
