I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
