Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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